Fifth Wheel Hazards!

by Ross Boast

Driving across West Texas there?s plenty of time to think. The traffic isn?t heavy and it?s a long way between towns so your mind can wander. And it came to him like a revelation – NO MORE WOMEN! He remembered it was right after Ft. Stockton, he had hit a strong headwind, tumbleweeds going by, had to slow down some, even drop into third gear occasionally, and he was reviewing some of his life, its adventures and mistakes, when it popped into his head – NO MORE WOMEN!

After two marriages and several live-in girl friends it seemed that he had sampled all he could take of wedded bliss. It was after the last one had left that he had decided to buy the ten year old fifth-wheel trailer and take a trip. By himself. Alone.

It hadn?t been bad at all. It was sure quiet. And he could cook fairly well and he even cleaned once in a while. And things were where he knew he had put them. He hadn?t had anything to do with women since he started the trip three months ago in the Fall. Well, you couldn?t really count that widow in Oregon. It was so fleeting.

Over the years he had heard all the moans and groans, all the complaints, and it was more than enough -
Put the toilet seat down after you use it! Don?t you like my cooking? Why were you looking at her like that? Do you think I like picking up your dirty laundry? We never go anyplace! Why can?t we afford that? You watch too much sports on television? You want sex again? It was only last month ? it went on and on through his mind. The whole litany. He could hardly remember any of the good parts. That?s when it came to him. He would not have anything more to do with women. Finis.

If he wasn?t going to have any more women around he didn?t need anything as big as the house so he sold the house and then traded the old trailer in on a new fifth-wheel with a tip-out. It was big enough to live in full time as long as you were careful about how much stuff you collected. So now his new address was in one of the local trailer camps. The next to best one.

The trip to the bookstore was to pick up something on container gardening so he could brighten up around his pad a bit. He had never noticed this store before, must be new. Going in he saw the lady keeping the place and did a quick scan. M-m, trim, right age, nice hair, mostly grey, no rings, pleasant smile. He went over to the how-to-section and started to look. Then he smelled this wonderful scent and she was at his elbow offering help. Something came over him. Must be the perfume and her closeness after all this time.

His voice seemed to operate completely on its own.?I wonder if you were doing anything for dinner this evening??
She cocked her head a bit to the side, took a long look at him, and said, ?And what did you have in mind to do after we have eaten?? Her eyes looked at him suspicious and narrowed.
He said the first thing that came into his mind,?We could go over and inspect my new fifth-wheel trailer.?

?Oh! A trailer! A fifth wheel! Is that the kind that has that little area that goes over the back of the truck? I?ve always wondered what it looks like up in there!?
The Great Fifth-Wheel God must have reached down then because a voice seemed to whisper in his ear – this is too easy – here you go again – be sure to get a prenuptial agreement.